THE HORSEMAN takes no prisoners . . . and special delivers penis pulverization a-plenty!

Greetings one and all, boils and ghouls, predator and prey, and please pardon the fresh offal on the floor (as well as the lapse in reviews . . . as we all know life happens -- as does chemically induced catatonia, ha!) It's been a long day. But in all seriousness, I have been preoccupied with other important matters. Needless to say I have returned with several films to hog-tie to the chopping block for your amusement (and my own pressure-cooker venting) over the next couple of days. So step over the slop, pull up a chair (here's a towel, you might want to wipe that down before you sit), and prepare to meet . . .

THE HORSEMAN (2008, Australia)
Dir.: Steven Kastrissios

This interesting little entry into the rape/revenge genre I so love is a variation on the theme, coming from the psychotic father takes revenge side of the camp.

The film opens with a man in a pest control outfit terrorizing another fellow, who is cowering and bloodied in a corner on the floor, with a crowbar. The pest controller is also destroying everything in the room : VHS cassettes, computer equipment, cameras, etc. The man on the floor is then doused in gasoline and set ablaze.

The pest controller is Christian, a miserable bastard if ever one there was, and with good reason. Not too long ago he received a video tape in the mail, a film called "Young City Sluts 2," which had his (recently deceased) daughter all over the packaging. Like any horrified, grieving, and most assuredly angry parent, he watches the tape. It's a friendly little gang-bang video that features her amidst several sweaty, pale, and hairy guys (just like real porn!) and she's not looking too coherent. As a matter of fact, she is drunk and speed-balling, and obviously had very little clue as to her situation at that filmed moment. Well, this sends pop on a violent, self and soul questioning quest to avenge his daughters mistreatment and death. Along the way he befriends a young prostitute/former addict roughly his daughters age, who really seems to provide a particular emotional support/daughter "replacement" to him that keeps him from committing suicide a couple of times throughout the film.

Unfortunately, as intriguing as the film is, as intense and well acted as the characters are, and as downright nasty-violent as it gets at points (though never overly gratuitous or graphic, a definite blessing here in some regards), the film is paced like cold molasses. Eventually things kind of backfire, and Christian and his friend are subsequently caught and punished by the pornographers. Christian saves the girl, kills the guys who killed his daughter, but finds out some hard-to-handle info along the way. Like his daughter had WANTED to make the film, sought out to do it for kicks and easy money. Christian does not take that info well at all, it shatters him inside. The acting in this film is top notch, potent and powerful. You feel Christian's pain throughout, and it's hard. But, again, so is the pacing, not just hard but you also feel it throughout.

HOWEVER, this film is definitely worth seeing. Christian, in his fits of measured lunatic violence while torturing the scum of the earth, uses methods that would make Guantanamo Bay proud. Horrible, terrible things are done to penises in this film : bike tire air pumps get shoved in urethra and, well, pumped; fishhooks get inserted into the tip while connected to a stand alone reel, being pulled ever so slowly, reeled in like it's some kind of strange and repulsive fish. Thankfully, all of that is fairly non-graphic. Even the porn video with his daughter is more implied than shown, but oh do you get the idea. I do find it interesting the way the filmmakers handled the subject matter, they really could have run off all buck wild with the sensationalistic and more exploitation-ripe aspects, but that is kept to a real minimum, and to great effect. In this instance, being more graphic would have definitely cheapened it a bit. Conversely, it probably would have made the proceedings a wee bit more exciting. But the extreme violence that is up close are the vicious beatings, just some of the most violent pummelings I have seen in film in a long time.

All in all, not a terrible venture, a decent deep film worthy of a viewing, just a little slow paced, and not in the good way, for my tastes.

THE DIRTY BIRD GETS THE WORM : Frank Henenlotter's BAD BIOLOGY

BAD BIOLOGY

2008, Dir. Frank Henenlotter

Hmmm ... where to begin? This film was everything I have read about and more. In fact, I dare say it's Henenlotter's best film (I am SURE there are many, many who will disagree -- go start your own page and whine about how great BASKET CASE is - which it is, don't get me wrong -- for the MILLIONTH TIME). BAD BIOLOGY is sick, disturbing, grotesque, brilliant, poetic, gross, beautiful, touching, sarcastic, and, above all else, it is absolutely friggin' hysterical. It's been roundabouts 16 years since Frank Henenelotter last graced us with his unique visions of body horror mayhem and emotionally shattered, drug addled sex mutants. His films seem to touch on something deep, something dark, within all of us. Those things most forbidden, most taboo and so sacred/blasphemous as to only be whispered in hushed tones behind blackened porn store windows and only written about in the notes of the mad and the liberated ... the poor rotten bastard who was bless-cursed with the rotten fruit of malformed fetishistic lusts. In Henenlotter's world, slimy, knotted lumps of sick-willed flesh lay hidden within the most innocuous of places, whether it be in the twisted weaves of a wicker basket or in the smooth folds of a willing vagina.

Put quite simply : THIS MOVIE IS FUKKED.

Enter Jennifer (HA!). She is a sexy, strange girl of blond hair and blue eyes. Her opening lines of the film are "I was born with seven clitoris' ." Wow, if that don't grab you, well, buddy, time for a new hearing aid. If that offended you, turn back now. For the rest of you, keep on reading. Jenifer works as a fashion photgrapher, very artsy. In her free time she takes creepy altered black and white photos of the men that she brings home to fukk, whilst they are in mid orgasm. Oh, and after she accidentally kills them during orgasm. She is played by Charlee Danielson, who apparently is a model/singer/musician/actress. Huh, I've never heard of her, but I am fairly unhip, What I CAN tell you is that this was the perfect6 choice for the role of whacked out, batshit crazy Jenifer, and she exudes this raw and honest sexuality that most porn girls can't even pull off (HA! Another one, I kill me!). Anyway, She kicks down the fourth wall every once in a while during her narration of certain parts of the film and tells us little tidbits about her life. Such as she spent her youth in basically one long orgasm. She got her first period at 5. Oh, yeah, and 2 hours after sex, Jen crouches down and pops out a strange, creepy assed "useless mutant freak baby" in her gentle, nurturing maternal words. Then the rotten bitch pops the creepy little fukk into the nearest dumpster or whatever. No biggie. Hell, I'd probably do the same thing with something that looked and sounded like that. In fact, it sounded a lot like the lil mutant bastard from COMBAT SHOCK (aka AMERICAN NIGHTMARE). Oh, but I digress. Eventually, after being just plain used (which she hates, opening without so much even a thank you after from her sperm donor) for sex, her sex madness pushes her full throttle over the edge psychologically, and she believes her purpose is to be fukked by god, that her vagina is truly the Holiest of Holies.

Now, let me introduce you to Batz (played with a convincing and tortured creepy-creepiness by Anthony Sneed), a weird, shy lil guy with a wee bit of a problem. Well, a bit more than a "wee" bit. Let me explain. He has a living, self-willed penis that makes John Holmes look like GG Allin. It is an awful, scarred and bumpy thing of ghastly, monstrous proportions. His penis also happens to be a drug addict, and although the exact drugs are never specified, Batz is given a bag of "similar things ... but for animals!" from his drug dealer. That scene, incidentally, takes place in this little crack house, and there are some strange characters inside, including a fiending brunette and her mean old crackhead boyfriend. She can not find her pipe and is freaking out, ripping the house up. Well, this scene is so dead on as to how those types live their crazed and psychotic freebase-fueled lifestyles. I have seen places and people EXACTLY like that in my strange travels over the years, and this clip should be used as a goddamned D.A.R.E. video or something, it is that realistic. Again with the digression. So this weird, shy Batz kid gets tortured telepathically by his monster member. It begs for sex and drugs and flops around violently inj his pants, until he beats it into submission or gets it high. To get it high he injects it with a clear blue fluid that looks a hell of a lot like the synthetic drug that Elmer made in BRAIN DAMAGE (1988). As a matter of fact, there is a lot about this film that seems real similar to Brain Damage. Anywho, this poor kid has to use some steampunk-ish looking and clunky masturbation machine. He uses it while watching porn on multiple screens. He slips into a hallucination, and his "dreamgirl" (we all have one, and ladies the same thing, ha) states what his heart and psyche are longing for right back to him : that the physical abnormality does not matter, and that he will not be judged or harmed inside due to his dysfunction. Consequently, Jenifer has very similar fantasies, and just really wants the same thing. Oh, and his machine breaks, before he can finish (I HATE that).

Jenifer, now mad beyond redemption is putting together and photographing for a fashion magazine cover of some kind, and she is shooting in a renovated, old Victorian mansion. Socially phobic Batz agrees reluctantly for the drug money. When Jennifer briefly meets him, she senses something, and becomes intrigued. Later, after he returns home from the drug house, she sneaks in after the photo shoot, claiming she is looking for her phone. Once inside she takes his Keys, and hears yelling, so she follows the sound. And that is when she (and we) get our first glimpse of his penis-beast. He sees her, freaks out, and slams the door shut. She leaves, 9obsessed, believing that she just saw god.

SHe goes home, grabs her video camera, and sneaks back over his place, and sniffs his undies and takes video of everything. Then Batz comes home, with a hooker, and Jenifer must hide in the bedroom closet, of course. SHe watches them fukk for a mere minute, and he cums. Then the hooker cums, and cums, and cums, for what is implied as hours she cums, until finally he can not take it any7more and puts her in am alley, still cumming and screaming. Jen follows, takes closeup video of the girl cumming to death, takes it home and masturbates to it.

Back at the Batz-house, the poor deranged kid finally gets the dick, and himself, ultra-super-mega-high and he eventually nods off. That is when the dick decides to dislodge itself and go on a total raping rampage that is one of the more surreal things I have witnessed in recent films. The cock just bursts through walls and floorboards, coming at these naked, giant breasted girls like a track mark scarred and chronic masturbation machine abused and asthmatic snake, covered in the aforementioned scars, boils, herpes sores and syphilis blisters and god knows what the fukk else. He feels everything the dick does, too, so the rapes wake him up, and looks frantically around everywhere for it, until pain completely takes over, and he gives up. This is just as Jen shows up, in a purple nightgown and ready to fukk her god.

Now, I thought this scene was brilliant, the way it was done fascinating, and perhaps the darkest part of the film. As Batz drops the bomb of his missing, crazed, addicted and wayward member being m.i.a., SHE is the one to become thoroughly shattered, and it creates this feeling of the desperate and selfish, of addiction and lust. She does not care who this dickless boy is ... she wants the dick only. As he screams and yells about his missing cock, she stares off, completely shattered. She decides, fukk this, I am finding this cock, and off they go. Eventually they fin the poor, sickly and deflated member. It is withdrawing, and she wants to save it; he does not. They fight for the cock. She wrenches it with psycho sex-strength from his weak junkie hands with ease, shoots it up. It gets rock hard, attacks her, and the scene fades out with her having her dream orgasm as she praises being fukked by god, and Batz seizes and foams at the mouth.

Jenifer comes to, wanders a bit. The cock falls as a withered sloppy husk drenched in mucous and KY from her twat. Batz is dead. She then has these stomach cramps, collapses. Blood explodes from her vag, and she dies. A moment later, she gives birth, and I just can not tell you what it is ... you would just have to see it to believe it. It was too funny, too unexpected ... great stuff indeed. Funny, upon the first watch I hated the ending, but after the second viewing there is really no other way it could have ended. I did find their death almost anti-climactic, but I liked that, it was an unexpected way to finish all the strange affairs that had preceded it. It was quiet and simplistic. In the end, she had gotten everything that she had wanted, including death (if you actually bother to pay attention to the film's well written, witty and biting dialogue). Batz' final exit was just as miserable as the rest of his life. Everyday would always be the same ... he was just crazed an d fukked, fukked and crazed.

Holding such warmth to the sewer that is my heart (and taste, judgement, blah blah blah), this LOOKS like a classic, Henenlotter film, especially BRAIN DAMAGE and FRANKENHOOKER. It's got the same color schemes, the same camera style ... and it was shot on actual 35mm, as opposed to digital video, the preferred ,method of indie horror (well, indie film altogether I suppose) camera currently. It was also funded by some rapper whom I had never heard of R.A.the Rugged Man or something ... silliness indeed. All kidding aside though, ol Frank has still got it, I am amazed. And it's quality . . . QUALITY!!! It's not poor, old, befuddled Romero essentially remaking his Living Dead films, essentially doing to them what Lucas has done to Star Wars (you, sir, will never be forgiven). This is original, over the top down home grade a material, and between being 60 and the 16 year span in between films, this should have been a mess of Biblical Proportions, but alas, it is a slice of sheer exploitation heaven.

Get off yer ass, you heart me, you son of a bitch, and go buy Frank Henenlotter's BAD BIOLOGY. Or move it to the top of your Netflix queu (that's what I did). Or kill your grandparents and steal the money for it. Or rip off some elementary school kids. Or steal it from the store and kill the clerk when he brings attention to it. Whatever your shitty little heart desires, just go get this friggin' movie!!! This is rare ORIGINAL American horror, from a true master, with steel balls of sluicing sleaze aplenty, and something to entertain even the most jaded fan.

Thanks for reading. Until next time, don't do anything I wouldn't do <3

Greetings, "mission" statement, First Review (for H6).

Greetings one and all, and many thanks if you have happened to stumble upon this toxic waste dump of all things infected with a celluloid (and digital video, of course) sickness. (The odd set of pics to the left will be explained in the H6 review below, for those confounded and down right put off by creep that is Brad Garrett). This is a page dedicated to reviewing and commentating upon all manner of strange cinema, from the grind-house classics of yester-year such as I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE, CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST, THE TAMING OF REBECCA, DECLINE OF WESTERN CIVILZATION, SALO : THE 120 DAYS OF SODOM, ERASERHEAD, EL TOPO, to the modern madness of HAUTE TENSION, MARTYRS, NEKROMANTIK, BAISE MOI, TEARS OF KALI, and so far beyond that you'll want to tear your fukking eyes out with a rusty melon baller!

As a fan I encourage feedback, conversation, and discussion, from other fans. I aim to entertain, and hopefully warn the discerning reader to take heed when necessary, when to skip it altogether, or that I have found the next EL TOPO (highly unlikely, that last one).

Please keep in mind that these are just MY OPINIONS and a personal celebration of the art forms represented here. Take them and leave them at will. I am jaded and like really, REALLY DISTURBING CINEMA, though not necessarily just gore for gore sake, or rape, or whatever the case may be. I will be covering ALL manner of cinema, as repeatedly stated, from classic horror and sci fi to all manner of hardcore strangeness. And as much recent stuff as I can come by.

THIS PAGE IS NOT MEANT FOR CHILDREN, THE EASILY OFFENDED OR WEAK OF HEART. In other words, don't be that douche-bag who's kid finds this and tries to staple his sisters lips to the cats ass because he came across a review for HUMAN CENTIPEDE or some such stupidity. If you are that brain dead, well, you don't need to be here so, shoo, go ... away with you now ... ACHTUNG!!!

And now, without further adieu, here is the first review here at VD'S VILE VULGAR VIDEO VAULT. Salude!

FILM : REVIEW

H6 : DIARIO de un ASESINO (H6 : DIARY OF A SERIAL KILLER)

2006 D: Martin Garrido Barone) Spain

Well, right from the get go I'll say this : I am really, really glad I picked this up, having never heard of this little gem before. A real little slice o'perversion, but presented in this very thoughtful fashion, very deep with this wicked, sardonic sense of sick black humor that runs the course from just after the credits (the intro is truly humorless) until the final (and unexpected) frames.

Enter Antonio Frau, newly released inmate who is out of the pen 25 years after viciously beating and choking his girlfriend to death (the afformentioned pre-credit unpleasantness). The scene is startlingly realistic ... I have seen those people before, all too often unfortunately. Antonio slaps the living shit out of his girl, pulls hair . . . then lashes out, in the most creepy way, after she deems the relationship over as he ". . . hits me too much!"

Once out, he is indeed a changed man. Now, in all honesty, I did have real issue with one particular aspect. The actor playing Antonio (Fernando Acaso) bore a seriously creepy resemblance to BRAD GARRETT (the big dumb and creepy Oedipal fukk-face brother from 90's sitcom shit-pile Everybody Loves Raymond) . I think for me that kind of made things funnier at points than they were most certainly intended to be, but, hey, my sense of humor is questionable to begin with.

But I digress.

Here, Antonio has inherited an old, decrepit hotel from a deceased relative (aunt or mother, need to re-watch for the small details a bit I think, as the subtitles blew). When he finds out it used to be a whorehouse, this psychopathic sickness comes out of him again and pretty much immediately, but this time it's different, focused. This time he wants to rid the world of all filth, and believes that he can redeem the souls of junkie prostitutes. Obviously the rehabilitative powers of prison worked wonders again, ha. He is on a mission from God, and apparently has a calling card as he has extended conversations and receives commands from the author of the Maddest (er, I mean Greatest, uh, yeah) Story ever told.

As the film plays out, it is narrated by Antonio as he puts his entries into the diary. He wants to experience every aspect, wants to know why these women do what they do, and where is the line of redemption, if it even exists at all? He turns room number 6 of this immense, empty old whorehouse into his "salvation room" (my phrase not theirs), replete with plastic sheeting on the walls, a tarp covered floor, and a lil table smack in the center of the otherwise bare room (well, there is a sink ) with restraints . . . hmmm.

He also fetishizes over his mother . . . it's very creepy. Eventually, a female ex-con marries him after her own 15 year stint. She works nights as a nurse and spasticly fukks her plastic surgeon boss every chance she gets. While this goes on, Antonio brings home these strung out prostitutes, gets them to wear his mothers whore lingeres and pumps (which these stumbling Spanish junkie sex dolls happen to look really good in). Now, this is done very well, as he takes polaroids after he cons them into being tied up to the table. Strange, fetishistic and sexy polaroids, and the way this is shot, the conflicting feelings within the viewer of both titillation by the sensuality of the bondage/s + m aspect at the start, and the repulsion of what is really happening, and knowing that no good whatsoever is going to come from the situation for the poor addicted prostitutes. Also, the ultimate repulsion of your own confliction . . . that is the most beautiful part, isn't it? However, any possible arousal and sensuality is shattered once he starts starving them, dehydrating them, the make-up for which is phenomenal, as the actresses were skinny to begin with, but through interesting lighting and angle (as well as make-up techniques) they appeared to be just withering away. And of course he questions them, why do you do what you do? Then, he hops up onto the table and rapes them while they are restrained. These scenes are done well, being sleazy and uncomfortable as these girls cry and cry and cry, and he just kisses them, touches them softly and humps, fully clothed, like a rabid bunny, cold and mechanical-rough, and comes quick. He refuses to ever let the whores see his dingaling-thing, and urinates into a bottle after sex, which he then proceeds to dump onto the girls faces and hair when they beg for water, much to their great displeasure.

The most convincing and cute is the second girl (I think Sonia Moreno). She goes onto a long (and all too true) diatribe about why she has thrown her life away to the disassociative cocoon of dope (at his behest) . She looks like a young Lina Romay (Jess Franco's partner of many years), suffers the most torture with I think 4 or 5 different rapes, among other degradations. She is almost saved, but voluntarily gives up, and takes the release of death (wise girlie, ha).

Eventually he lets himself kind of be caught. He admits in his first diary entry that he wants the fame, books to be written and films to be made of his murderous exploits. He is beyond taken with the idea and very, very aware of his actions. From here on I can not tell you, as the twist in the ending was kind of neat. Also, by the end of the film, you kind of like the guy. It sounds sick, but stay with me. He portrays a true psycho path . . . well . . . like a true psychopath. Also, he dismembers the girls when he is finished with them with a small chainsaw. While hundreds of gallons of thick Karo blood soak both him and the room, not one dismemberment is graphically shown, which I was not thrilled with. I would have liked to have seen more mutilation, but the deviant sexuality and unpredictably frightening nature of Antonio, as he believes he needs to up the ante every time for them to attain true salvation, essentially creating a damned if you do situation.

This film is compared to HOSTEL on the box, and I have read others bitch and call it "torture porn." That is a nonsense term, for starters. TCM, the original LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, these were torture porn if you wanna look at it like that. Also, last I remember, porn involved penetration. This only has exsanguination (HA! I kill me). ANyway, this is FAR BETTER than HOSTEL could ever hope to be, and it is a deep, sickly humored film. Definitely a thinking piece.

Long story short, I definitely recommend this weird, strange, at times beautifully shot film to discerning fans of the extreme. If you like shit like the SAW films this will be way too cerebral for you. However, it's not the greatest film ever, but it is never slow and is consistently entertaining, full of kinky situations, depraved cruelty, and biting dark humor.

Recommended. Caveat Emptor and enjoy. ***1/2 out of 5 possible